Is Grief Intellectual or Emotional? (podcast $)

Approaching the disparity between intellectually understanding and emotionally processing loss.

“Grief is mediated by a distributed neural network that subserves a number of neural processes affecting various parts of the brain and its functions… This neural network may account for the unique, subjective quality of grief.”
— J. William Worden

I have a hard time engaging with most grief either because I don’t get it, or I don’t accept it to begin with. The only seriously grievous experiences I’ve had were the premature loss of two ex-wives and two dogs. The dogs were devoted; the ex-wives were not. These losses were “premature.” The loss of other relationships that might be called “mature” or foreseeable have bothered me much less.

I have a natural inclination to avoid grief. I prefer to look into the future. I have no attraction to tear-jerker movies and don’t like stewing in emotion. I’m careful about whom I attach to—more careful now than I was—and it’s separation from deep connection that grieves me. Despite my careful navigation, as a grief counselor, I’m obliged to engage with grief wherever it appears, and while sadness is straightforward, grief is complex.

I can control my feelings if I can manage my boundaries. I can accept and resolve a death that I prepare for. Neither my mother or father worked at maintaining their health, and they did little to avoid their encroaching infirmity and eventual death. Neither of them did anything in the way of physical exercise or paid serious attention to nutrition. I don’t think either bothered to take vitamins. I didn’t know when their deaths would arrive, but you could pretty much see them “aging out.”

Now that I’m old myself, I take an active approach. I monitor both my mental and physical health, and I can see them change, day by day. I pursue different forms of daily exercise, and monitor my diet and mood. I push myself. It can be a bumpy ride, but I manage to stay in the center of the lane.

An Indirect Approach

The Spirits in the Air

Reaching For Extremes

Emotional Investments

The Grief of Denial

Grief as Contradiction

The Depression Connection