I was visiting Victoria and looking to meet people. I signed up for a small, weekend workshop on nondual thinking held in the nearby town of Metchosin. Most of those attending were older and knew each other. I only knew one or two people.
A young, single woman appeared whom no one knew. She was quiet, attractive, somewhat nervous, and out of her element. it was a relaxed group, with handfuls of people moving between different speakers, and everything was informal. Eventually this woman explained to us why she'd come.
Unlike most others who search for new tools to deal with crisis, she was looking for tools after having recovered from crisis, which she did using almost no tools, and having almost no help. She operated on her own psyche and, in doing so, had recovered from traumas that often kill people. This was unusual.
After the conference I asked her for this interview, and she was enthusiastic to share her experience. Whereas most other learners attribute their awakening to a mentor outside themselves, Lotus found all she needed within herself.
Read the full interview :
"My entire life I had an emotionally abusive father, physically abusive to my brothers, so I had a very low sense of self-worth, so I always felt like I never fit in anywhere, like the outsider... I was always trying to please everybody so they would like me...
"When I was 24 I started to do self harm. Everything seemed repetitive, it was the same every day. I felt it was never going to change... it just felt so pointless. This was one of the reasons I became suicidal.
“I went to different therapists and they'd always ask me what was wrong, and I didn't know. I thought that was their job to help me, right (laughs)? ... I found therapy quite pointless...
"I had a very backward way of looking at myself. I was thinking this negative stuff about myself, and that was making all this negative stuff happen. I realized I was validating all these negative beliefs, things that were instilled in me, making them real...
"I realized that I could stop, that I could just stop believing in those thoughts, it was like, “I can just stop this right now!” It was a huge epiphany. That's basically what I did,... uncovering each layer, each belief, and I went through them all...
"I lost weight and I started modeling, which was something that I thought I'd never do. I met a lot of neat people. I felt free. I knew it was OK to be me. I'm lovable, I'm approachable, I'm smart, I have potential, and I realized I have all these gifts . My past was not me at all. I guess you call it a rebirth..."
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